I will be 25 years old on March 31st and what do I have to show for it?
Just typing that first line i can feel my heart beat increase, my mouth water and my eyes fight to win a battle with tears. In all honesty I feel useless even less than useless but at the moment I cant seem to find a word or catch phrase that can truly depict my current state of mind. The thought of tears seems so cliche but it is a road less traveled by me so for once maybe I should explore its possibilities. So here goes...
Tear #1: This first tear is being shed for all the ones that I loved and lost in turn making it hard for me to cope with death, thus giving me commitment issues.
Tear #2: For the "friends" who I attempted hold on to for longer than a season and in consequence losing a bit of myself when they casually walked out of my life just as easily as they strolled in.
Tear #3: For all the teachers and coaches who encouraged me to my face but didn't care to clean up the mess that leaked from the wounds they left in my back.
Tear #4: For all the times I kept my mouth shut, head low and eyes closed to things I knew wasn't right.
Tear #5: for all the times when I thought less of myself than I ought to because of what society said I should be.
Tear #6: For every time I lied and there was no reason to.
Tear #7: For every relationship where I gave so much of myself away that I didn't realize I lost me until my image was no longer recognized in the mirror.
Tear#8: For the experiences that caused me to be so cold hearted and hateful against my own people.
Tear #9: For all the ones i gave up on too soon, without explanation.
Tear #10: Just because I haven't cried in a very very very very long time.
So Whats Next? I came to New York , the BIG APPLE, NYC for the dream of a lifetime but instead I got a slap on the back and a contract to compromise my moral constitute. So I decided to take a break from Show Biz to follow another dream I had to join the military and become an RN only to find out that they don't have that field open at the time. Which is understandable I assume everyone wants to be in that field. I then decided to take my second job choice of CTI ( Cryptic Technician Interpretive) only to be told that not only can I not be promised that job but they don't have it available at this time. You can only imagine my disgust with the governmental system at this point. The recruiter then proceeds to inform me that the jobs that are available are basically grunt positions, foot soldiers. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!!! So even with my high test scores I would still go in as a low enlisted foot solider. Smh.
Just as you may have guessed I said hell no and walked out of that office head high and shoulders back. On my way back to Brooklyn I spoke with a flight attendant who complimented me on my hair, I guess she was amazed that it was all mine, she informed me on what flight attendants do and how to apply for a job with the airline. I had no prospects at the time so I said ok sure what the heck. As soon as I get inside aside from cutting the heat on I opened my laptop and applied to be a flight attendant I fit the requirements and I just knew that I had this job in the bag. I applied for over 12 airlines that day and thus far I have yet to receive any calls or emails, unless we count the one I got from Delta saying that I didn't get the job. To say I currently feel like crap would be and understatement under the understatement. But with no options. Back to the drawing board I go I guess.
ONE LUV
Just typing that first line i can feel my heart beat increase, my mouth water and my eyes fight to win a battle with tears. In all honesty I feel useless even less than useless but at the moment I cant seem to find a word or catch phrase that can truly depict my current state of mind. The thought of tears seems so cliche but it is a road less traveled by me so for once maybe I should explore its possibilities. So here goes...
Tear #1: This first tear is being shed for all the ones that I loved and lost in turn making it hard for me to cope with death, thus giving me commitment issues.
Tear #2: For the "friends" who I attempted hold on to for longer than a season and in consequence losing a bit of myself when they casually walked out of my life just as easily as they strolled in.
Tear #3: For all the teachers and coaches who encouraged me to my face but didn't care to clean up the mess that leaked from the wounds they left in my back.
Tear #4: For all the times I kept my mouth shut, head low and eyes closed to things I knew wasn't right.
Tear #5: for all the times when I thought less of myself than I ought to because of what society said I should be.
Tear #6: For every time I lied and there was no reason to.
Tear #7: For every relationship where I gave so much of myself away that I didn't realize I lost me until my image was no longer recognized in the mirror.
Tear#8: For the experiences that caused me to be so cold hearted and hateful against my own people.
Tear #9: For all the ones i gave up on too soon, without explanation.
Tear #10: Just because I haven't cried in a very very very very long time.
So Whats Next? I came to New York , the BIG APPLE, NYC for the dream of a lifetime but instead I got a slap on the back and a contract to compromise my moral constitute. So I decided to take a break from Show Biz to follow another dream I had to join the military and become an RN only to find out that they don't have that field open at the time. Which is understandable I assume everyone wants to be in that field. I then decided to take my second job choice of CTI ( Cryptic Technician Interpretive) only to be told that not only can I not be promised that job but they don't have it available at this time. You can only imagine my disgust with the governmental system at this point. The recruiter then proceeds to inform me that the jobs that are available are basically grunt positions, foot soldiers. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!!! So even with my high test scores I would still go in as a low enlisted foot solider. Smh.
Just as you may have guessed I said hell no and walked out of that office head high and shoulders back. On my way back to Brooklyn I spoke with a flight attendant who complimented me on my hair, I guess she was amazed that it was all mine, she informed me on what flight attendants do and how to apply for a job with the airline. I had no prospects at the time so I said ok sure what the heck. As soon as I get inside aside from cutting the heat on I opened my laptop and applied to be a flight attendant I fit the requirements and I just knew that I had this job in the bag. I applied for over 12 airlines that day and thus far I have yet to receive any calls or emails, unless we count the one I got from Delta saying that I didn't get the job. To say I currently feel like crap would be and understatement under the understatement. But with no options. Back to the drawing board I go I guess.
ONE LUV
3 comments:
I Love you so much Drana. I admire your strength, because as you know, I know exactly what your going through and it is not easy. But I am so proud of you for keeping you head held high through these trials.. I thank God that you are in my life, an I am so proud of you.. No matter what, or where I will always be here for you.
Keep going sis! That shit is so unfortunate but you know God does EVERYTHING for a reason. Keep going strong and trust me I def. feel your pain. You will make it sis, don't give up on your dreams and its good you didn't compromise your morals. That's an admirable quality when some will do anything to make it. I'm proud of you sis and I wish the best for your life. You're gonna make it, I will too. Love u sis. Keep being the bright, beautiful and loving person you are. You are one of the best poets, intellectuals and actor I know. Love u sis!
Thank you queens yall are gonna make me cry I love yall for real. Some real ryders I have in my corner :) I thank God for you!!!
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